Howdy!
Today has been SUCH a restful day! Last night I journal-ed a LOT before I went to bed. I really had some things I needed to talk to God about! By the time I actually got into bed it was about midnight, and I didn't wake up until noon this morning!!
I woke up to have a FABULOUS Skype date with my mom! Can I just say that she is AMAZING?! Seriously, she gives the BEST advice in the world! If I grow up and end up exactly like her, then I'll be 100% happy. She's so stinking encouraging and has made me feel SO much better about the whole girl jealousy thing!
After that I went upstairs and made LaChelle and myself a DELICIOUS breakfast! It consisted of scrambled eggs, whole-wheat pancakes, and bacon (well....they call it bacon but it's really ham)...yeah I'm pretty much the house-wife of our relationship. :)
Then I sat down and started on my HUGE "Adopt A Nation" project. I adopted Uzbekistan as my nation and had to research pretty much EVERYTHING about it and make a powerpoint. It took me a total of about 4 hours, but I am finally finished! Did you know that it is actually illegal for any christian church to evangelize in Uzbekistan? Crazy!
I took a little break during work and talked to Kev...I know, I cracked...
But, it was good - communication is hard, especially 8,000 miles away but we have ended on a good note which will help me not be distracted by so much pain, I think. As I was talking he stopped me and said, "Wow, Clancy, I love how in touch with your feminine side you are..." hahaha - yeah, I'm emotional. But, he's going to read Captivating to try and understand me more :)
Then I went upstairs and indulged in a DELICIOUS dinner and now I am updating to you! Today has not been very full, but I love it that way! Tonight I have to turn in and/or present my Uzbekistan presentation and then all of us girls are getting together and talking...yikes, pray! :)
I'll let you know how it goes! Thank you for all of your prayers!
Tomorrow lectures start again, and it's spiritual warfare week!! I'm sure I'll have a LOT more to say on my next update!
G'Night!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Lord of the Rings Marathon!
Hello all!
Well, the other night was the boy's turn...and last night, it was mine and LaChelle's.
Let me explain:
Did I mention earlier that we're in our own room for a few days? Well, for some reason all day I was really scared to go into that room, so I waited until LaChelle wanted to go to bed too, which when all was said and done wasn't until about 2 o'clock in the morning.
Well, right when I laid down I was terrified. So, I got up and prayed over our bed while LaChelle was sleeping. But, even after that I still felt this overwhelming fear. I kept whispering prayers under my breath but every time I closed my eyes I couldn't control my thoughts. Even when I opened my eyes it was like the Devil was taunting me with pictures and thoughts.
But, I kept on praying and telling myself over and over that God was with me, etc. However, my heart just kept beating faster and faster making everything even worse. Well, after about 20 minutes of this I heard LaChelle whisper and ask me if I was okay. I was surprised that she was still awake, and even more surprised about what she asked me!
I told her that no, I wasn't doing very well and she said that she couldn't sleep either. The same exact thing was happening to her! She kept seeing eyes and bodies whenever she would close her eyes and she was shaking too. She said that she felt like something wasn't right, so we both hopped out of bed, grabbed our Bibles and headed outside to see who was still awake.
We walked into the rec room and the only people still up were Joe and Heijin (she's a sweeeet girl from Korea, she's going on my outreach too!) Joe could tell immediately that something was wrong and he quickly ended his skype date to pray over us. He said that he really felt like we needed to pray over LaChelle and me, so they both laid hands on us and started to pray. LaChelle and I both prayed out as well, and Joe anointed our foreheads.
LaChelle felt like one of the reasons that this was happening was because of some stuff she has been discovering about her family history and their involvement in some different things, so we prayed about that. And then I really felt like some things have been getting in through what people have been looking at on the internet, so we prayed about that too.
Then we prayed and anointed the door frame of our new room (tonight's probably our last night in there) as well. We don't know who stayed in that room before us (a lot of families come in and out of our base, kind of like a hostel) so we prayed against anything that may have been brought in with the previous family. And, oh my goodness the Holy Spirit was there!!! Heijin later told me that when she touched our door and started praying she immediately saw huge eyes in our room surrounded with hundreds of littler eyes, and they were all looking at us in the room. I asked her if they were good eyes and she said definitely not, they were very evil. But, she said that the more we prayed the more the eyes started to disappear!
She was so sweet, the entire time Joe, LaChelle and I were praying she never stopped! I'm not sure whether she was praying in Korean or in her spiritual language, but she was very constant.
Then LaChelle and I went to bed (okay...we were still a little frightened so we slept together...we're such girls) but before we went to bed we started praying out loud. And, I started talking to God about arch angels and asked him to send Gabriel and Michael down to protect us while we slept. Well, since I asked I just assumed that God did it, so I started talking to Gabriel and Michael as if they were really sitting there.
Apparently talking to angels and God as if they're literally sitting right next to you is a little weird...and it certainly tickled LaChelle. She turned to me after I said something about how I thought that Michael has a blond mullet and Gabriel has curly brown hair and told me "Clancy, that prophecy about you entertaining God's presence was SO spot on!!!" :) Anyways, after that we had the best night's sleep EVER! However, it was definitely too short...only 4 1/2 hours... after which we got up and headed out to church.
The rest of the day was pretty boring up until we started our Lord of the Rings marathon! Almost our entire school set up couches, mattresses, tables, pillows, blankets and PILES of junk food and made ourselves comfortable as we sat down to watch all three "Lord of the Ring" movies, extended edition. YIKES!
Well, I've seen the 1st movie and half of the 2nd movie (twice each...I've tried to do a marathon a few times) so I was determined to at least get all the way through "Twin Towers". And, I succeeded!!! But, I've only had a total of 8 hours sleep in the past 48 hours and I also have started to feel sick, and I really don't think I could justify staying up that late again tonight, especially if my mom asked! ;)
So, now I am here writing to you! I've had an overall good day! However, it's really frustrating because I feel more and more isolated every minute. It's like all of the girls (except LaChelle) have something against me!! I've tried really really hard to be open to all of them and honestly have been doing a pretty good job! But, even then they isolate me! :(
I went and talked to Emily (the girl that talked to the Muslims with me) about it and she said that I wasn't imagining things. One girl in specific has been talking a LOT behind my back and it's affected the other girl's opinion of me. And, she said that almost all the girls resent my friendship with LaChelle, they don't have best friends here and they don't like that I do...I don't get that?! Am I supposed to stop hanging out with LaChelle because it makes them mad? But, I specifically prayed for a best friend who was on the same intelligence level as me, the same spiritual level, and the same humor level (which is pretty low...) and God provided the perfect one!!! Wouldn't it be like a slap in the face to God if I stopped hanging out with her?
UGH! It's annoying. I'm fine if people have problems with me or whatever, I've grown up with a fabulous family and a wonderful life, it's not my first go-around with jealous people BUT it hurts soooooooo bad that people are talking about me behind my back! I don't think they understand how much it hurts! :(
Well, I'm going to go talk to God about it. I've really liked having a best friend in Him! He's really nice! :) Alright, I'll update again tomorrow!
G'Night! :)
Well, the other night was the boy's turn...and last night, it was mine and LaChelle's.
Let me explain:
Did I mention earlier that we're in our own room for a few days? Well, for some reason all day I was really scared to go into that room, so I waited until LaChelle wanted to go to bed too, which when all was said and done wasn't until about 2 o'clock in the morning.
Well, right when I laid down I was terrified. So, I got up and prayed over our bed while LaChelle was sleeping. But, even after that I still felt this overwhelming fear. I kept whispering prayers under my breath but every time I closed my eyes I couldn't control my thoughts. Even when I opened my eyes it was like the Devil was taunting me with pictures and thoughts.
But, I kept on praying and telling myself over and over that God was with me, etc. However, my heart just kept beating faster and faster making everything even worse. Well, after about 20 minutes of this I heard LaChelle whisper and ask me if I was okay. I was surprised that she was still awake, and even more surprised about what she asked me!
I told her that no, I wasn't doing very well and she said that she couldn't sleep either. The same exact thing was happening to her! She kept seeing eyes and bodies whenever she would close her eyes and she was shaking too. She said that she felt like something wasn't right, so we both hopped out of bed, grabbed our Bibles and headed outside to see who was still awake.
We walked into the rec room and the only people still up were Joe and Heijin (she's a sweeeet girl from Korea, she's going on my outreach too!) Joe could tell immediately that something was wrong and he quickly ended his skype date to pray over us. He said that he really felt like we needed to pray over LaChelle and me, so they both laid hands on us and started to pray. LaChelle and I both prayed out as well, and Joe anointed our foreheads.
LaChelle felt like one of the reasons that this was happening was because of some stuff she has been discovering about her family history and their involvement in some different things, so we prayed about that. And then I really felt like some things have been getting in through what people have been looking at on the internet, so we prayed about that too.
Then we prayed and anointed the door frame of our new room (tonight's probably our last night in there) as well. We don't know who stayed in that room before us (a lot of families come in and out of our base, kind of like a hostel) so we prayed against anything that may have been brought in with the previous family. And, oh my goodness the Holy Spirit was there!!! Heijin later told me that when she touched our door and started praying she immediately saw huge eyes in our room surrounded with hundreds of littler eyes, and they were all looking at us in the room. I asked her if they were good eyes and she said definitely not, they were very evil. But, she said that the more we prayed the more the eyes started to disappear!
She was so sweet, the entire time Joe, LaChelle and I were praying she never stopped! I'm not sure whether she was praying in Korean or in her spiritual language, but she was very constant.
Then LaChelle and I went to bed (okay...we were still a little frightened so we slept together...we're such girls) but before we went to bed we started praying out loud. And, I started talking to God about arch angels and asked him to send Gabriel and Michael down to protect us while we slept. Well, since I asked I just assumed that God did it, so I started talking to Gabriel and Michael as if they were really sitting there.
Apparently talking to angels and God as if they're literally sitting right next to you is a little weird...and it certainly tickled LaChelle. She turned to me after I said something about how I thought that Michael has a blond mullet and Gabriel has curly brown hair and told me "Clancy, that prophecy about you entertaining God's presence was SO spot on!!!" :) Anyways, after that we had the best night's sleep EVER! However, it was definitely too short...only 4 1/2 hours... after which we got up and headed out to church.
The rest of the day was pretty boring up until we started our Lord of the Rings marathon! Almost our entire school set up couches, mattresses, tables, pillows, blankets and PILES of junk food and made ourselves comfortable as we sat down to watch all three "Lord of the Ring" movies, extended edition. YIKES!
Well, I've seen the 1st movie and half of the 2nd movie (twice each...I've tried to do a marathon a few times) so I was determined to at least get all the way through "Twin Towers". And, I succeeded!!! But, I've only had a total of 8 hours sleep in the past 48 hours and I also have started to feel sick, and I really don't think I could justify staying up that late again tonight, especially if my mom asked! ;)
So, now I am here writing to you! I've had an overall good day! However, it's really frustrating because I feel more and more isolated every minute. It's like all of the girls (except LaChelle) have something against me!! I've tried really really hard to be open to all of them and honestly have been doing a pretty good job! But, even then they isolate me! :(
I went and talked to Emily (the girl that talked to the Muslims with me) about it and she said that I wasn't imagining things. One girl in specific has been talking a LOT behind my back and it's affected the other girl's opinion of me. And, she said that almost all the girls resent my friendship with LaChelle, they don't have best friends here and they don't like that I do...I don't get that?! Am I supposed to stop hanging out with LaChelle because it makes them mad? But, I specifically prayed for a best friend who was on the same intelligence level as me, the same spiritual level, and the same humor level (which is pretty low...) and God provided the perfect one!!! Wouldn't it be like a slap in the face to God if I stopped hanging out with her?
UGH! It's annoying. I'm fine if people have problems with me or whatever, I've grown up with a fabulous family and a wonderful life, it's not my first go-around with jealous people BUT it hurts soooooooo bad that people are talking about me behind my back! I don't think they understand how much it hurts! :(
Well, I'm going to go talk to God about it. I've really liked having a best friend in Him! He's really nice! :) Alright, I'll update again tomorrow!
G'Night! :)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
DTR's are almost as exciting as spiritual warfare!
Hey!
Today was very different than yesterday! But, let me first start with last night!
I went to bed feeling very very sick, emotionally and physically exhausted and ready for a good night’s sleep (even though I had to wake up at 4:30 for surfing). But, as soon as I got in bed I woke up…I couldn’t get my mind to stop thinking and let me sleep! After at least an hour or laying there I finally fell into a half-sleep. Then around 1 o’clock in the morning I woke up to noises. I couldn’t make out what they were so I assumed they were just coming from the room next to me. Then my legs kept twitching and becoming really restless – I couldn’t calm them down enough to go back to sleep and the more I thought about it the more I woke up!
I finally thought to ask God if maybe he was telling me to get up, so I asked Him and the answer was “yes”. Well, I didn’t want to get up – for a few reasons, one because I was scared (LaChelle and I are sleeping in our own room for a few nights so it’s new territory and I’ll admit…a little scary), two because I really wanted to get sleep because of my early morning coming up, and three because I just thought I knew better. So, I rolled over and prayed that God would help me get to sleep – but no luck.
This went on for about an hour – I’d ask God if He wanted me to get up and walk around, He’d tell me “Yes!!!” and I’d make an excuse that it was just my imagination, roll over and force myself to stop thinking. It was miserable!!! I was on the verge of tears and incredibly stressed out! Finally, after an hour of this I eventually fell back to sleep.
I woke up at 4:15 by accident (I thought it was 4:45) but by the time I realized my mistake I was already up and dressed. So, I went upstairs to the kitchen, alone, to make myself some breakfast. On my way upstairs I walked by the front doors (made entirely of glass) and saw that on each one there was a large handprint in the middle of each, and they were all dripping…I thought that maybe it was someone playing a prank earlier that night but then I touched them and realized that they were from the inside!! I immediately ran downstairs and found LaChelle brushing her teeth.
We then realized that the handprints were from oil, anointing oil! (Why does anointing have to be so creepy?!) We figured someone had been woken up in the night and told to anoint the doors so we just waited for Simon (my legal guardian/DTS school leader/ HUGE Samoan guy/official surf-bus driver/awesome person) to wake up and we'd ask him what happened.
So, we all piled in the van (3 of the guys including Jo stayed home b/c they didn't want to wake up, especially b/c there was a high chance of rain) and got ready for a pretty good explanation to our question. Apparently at about 1 o'clock in the morning most of the guys in my school got this feeling that something wasn't right. So, they all met up and decided they should start praying, they had the right heart but didn't really have any guidance as to how or what to do. Well, just so happens that at the exact time they met up outside to pray Jo and Simon were walking around the base making sure all the doors were locked because they both had the same feeling that something was wrong.
With that confirmation they all grabbed a bottle of oil and started anointing every square inch! And, no joke, there was some major warfare that took place! It would take a really long time to tell everything that happened, but just believe me when I tell you that the Holy Spirit showed up and showed off! After about an hour or two of praying and rebuking they all went to sleep.
How weird!! At almost the exact same time that all of that was going on God was telling me to get up...I really wish I would have obeyed. I talked to one of the guys who was a part of the prayer last night and he told me that while he was praying I kept coming up in His mind and He didn't know if He was supposed to pray for protection for me or what, but that He prayed really hard for me.
What a preparation for outreach!!! I was JUST talking to my mom before I went to bed, warning her about how spiritually dark Vanuatu and the specific village of Tahiti will be! She told me "You know, I named you Clancy because I liked the sound of it, but I really think that you're going to step into the real meaning of your name while you're on outreach." My name means son of a red headed warrior, or ruddy warrior like David! I'm bummed that God gave me an opportunity to step into my name last night I just didn't listen. But, I'm so glad I found out what happened, 'cause now I know what to do next time! :)
Well, it's pretty much needless to say that the guys on our DTS are fully prepared to protect us while we're on outreach, from anything!! How encouraging!
I can't believe that with such an exciting night the day could have gotten any more exciting - but, it did!! We went surfing (which was kinda a dud considering it was FREEZING and raining...) and I got a very special and important phone call.
I'm really really really learning a LOT about the power of prayer - both the power of prayer from others to me and the power of me actually speaking out the desires and prayers of my heart. God keeps on surprising me with how sweet He is AND how powerful He is! Oh my goodness, I love it! :) He's making it so easy to trust him! :)
The rest of the day wasn't exciting enough to blog about EXCEPT that LaChelle and I had an official "DTR" (define the relationship) and the verdict is in....we're officially best friends!!! I was so excited when she said it that I accidentally spit orange juice on her...good thing it was AFTER we had the conversation. :) And, Jo and I had a good heart-to-heart, too. I really appreciate having good guy-advice without any side-thoughts, you know?
There's a little bit of drama where one girl is talking bad about me to other people and they're all giving me mean looks. It's hurtful and annoying, but I've been really alright with the fact that as long as I have a clear conscience then I don't really have to care about what they think. But, it's easier said then done! :) I thought that stupid girl stuff ended when I walked across the stage and turned my tassel...but apparently I was wrong!
Well, I'm sure some of you have stopped reading by this point - this is pretty much a novella BUT for those of you truly committed I want to say thank you SO much for prayer!! I really appreciate it, and I KNOW that it is working in my life! I still have hard moments - and hard days - but there is a LOT of comfort in knowing that I'm being thought about and prayed for!
THANK YOU!
G'Night! :)
OH, PS: Just a little observation - this week is our "Spiritual Warfare" week (that's the topic for this week). I don't think that it's a coincidence that all of that stuff happened last night, just a few days before we start on this new topic. So, any added prayer for safety is MUCH appreciated! :)
Today was very different than yesterday! But, let me first start with last night!
I went to bed feeling very very sick, emotionally and physically exhausted and ready for a good night’s sleep (even though I had to wake up at 4:30 for surfing). But, as soon as I got in bed I woke up…I couldn’t get my mind to stop thinking and let me sleep! After at least an hour or laying there I finally fell into a half-sleep. Then around 1 o’clock in the morning I woke up to noises. I couldn’t make out what they were so I assumed they were just coming from the room next to me. Then my legs kept twitching and becoming really restless – I couldn’t calm them down enough to go back to sleep and the more I thought about it the more I woke up!
I finally thought to ask God if maybe he was telling me to get up, so I asked Him and the answer was “yes”. Well, I didn’t want to get up – for a few reasons, one because I was scared (LaChelle and I are sleeping in our own room for a few nights so it’s new territory and I’ll admit…a little scary), two because I really wanted to get sleep because of my early morning coming up, and three because I just thought I knew better. So, I rolled over and prayed that God would help me get to sleep – but no luck.
This went on for about an hour – I’d ask God if He wanted me to get up and walk around, He’d tell me “Yes!!!” and I’d make an excuse that it was just my imagination, roll over and force myself to stop thinking. It was miserable!!! I was on the verge of tears and incredibly stressed out! Finally, after an hour of this I eventually fell back to sleep.
I woke up at 4:15 by accident (I thought it was 4:45) but by the time I realized my mistake I was already up and dressed. So, I went upstairs to the kitchen, alone, to make myself some breakfast. On my way upstairs I walked by the front doors (made entirely of glass) and saw that on each one there was a large handprint in the middle of each, and they were all dripping…I thought that maybe it was someone playing a prank earlier that night but then I touched them and realized that they were from the inside!! I immediately ran downstairs and found LaChelle brushing her teeth.
We then realized that the handprints were from oil, anointing oil! (Why does anointing have to be so creepy?!) We figured someone had been woken up in the night and told to anoint the doors so we just waited for Simon (my legal guardian/DTS school leader/ HUGE Samoan guy/official surf-bus driver/awesome person) to wake up and we'd ask him what happened.
So, we all piled in the van (3 of the guys including Jo stayed home b/c they didn't want to wake up, especially b/c there was a high chance of rain) and got ready for a pretty good explanation to our question. Apparently at about 1 o'clock in the morning most of the guys in my school got this feeling that something wasn't right. So, they all met up and decided they should start praying, they had the right heart but didn't really have any guidance as to how or what to do. Well, just so happens that at the exact time they met up outside to pray Jo and Simon were walking around the base making sure all the doors were locked because they both had the same feeling that something was wrong.
With that confirmation they all grabbed a bottle of oil and started anointing every square inch! And, no joke, there was some major warfare that took place! It would take a really long time to tell everything that happened, but just believe me when I tell you that the Holy Spirit showed up and showed off! After about an hour or two of praying and rebuking they all went to sleep.
How weird!! At almost the exact same time that all of that was going on God was telling me to get up...I really wish I would have obeyed. I talked to one of the guys who was a part of the prayer last night and he told me that while he was praying I kept coming up in His mind and He didn't know if He was supposed to pray for protection for me or what, but that He prayed really hard for me.
What a preparation for outreach!!! I was JUST talking to my mom before I went to bed, warning her about how spiritually dark Vanuatu and the specific village of Tahiti will be! She told me "You know, I named you Clancy because I liked the sound of it, but I really think that you're going to step into the real meaning of your name while you're on outreach." My name means son of a red headed warrior, or ruddy warrior like David! I'm bummed that God gave me an opportunity to step into my name last night I just didn't listen. But, I'm so glad I found out what happened, 'cause now I know what to do next time! :)
Well, it's pretty much needless to say that the guys on our DTS are fully prepared to protect us while we're on outreach, from anything!! How encouraging!
I can't believe that with such an exciting night the day could have gotten any more exciting - but, it did!! We went surfing (which was kinda a dud considering it was FREEZING and raining...) and I got a very special and important phone call.
I'm really really really learning a LOT about the power of prayer - both the power of prayer from others to me and the power of me actually speaking out the desires and prayers of my heart. God keeps on surprising me with how sweet He is AND how powerful He is! Oh my goodness, I love it! :) He's making it so easy to trust him! :)
The rest of the day wasn't exciting enough to blog about EXCEPT that LaChelle and I had an official "DTR" (define the relationship) and the verdict is in....we're officially best friends!!! I was so excited when she said it that I accidentally spit orange juice on her...good thing it was AFTER we had the conversation. :) And, Jo and I had a good heart-to-heart, too. I really appreciate having good guy-advice without any side-thoughts, you know?
There's a little bit of drama where one girl is talking bad about me to other people and they're all giving me mean looks. It's hurtful and annoying, but I've been really alright with the fact that as long as I have a clear conscience then I don't really have to care about what they think. But, it's easier said then done! :) I thought that stupid girl stuff ended when I walked across the stage and turned my tassel...but apparently I was wrong!
Well, I'm sure some of you have stopped reading by this point - this is pretty much a novella BUT for those of you truly committed I want to say thank you SO much for prayer!! I really appreciate it, and I KNOW that it is working in my life! I still have hard moments - and hard days - but there is a LOT of comfort in knowing that I'm being thought about and prayed for!
THANK YOU!
G'Night! :)
OH, PS: Just a little observation - this week is our "Spiritual Warfare" week (that's the topic for this week). I don't think that it's a coincidence that all of that stuff happened last night, just a few days before we start on this new topic. So, any added prayer for safety is MUCH appreciated! :)
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Holy Hangover
Hey everyone! The internet cut off last night before I finished writing my blog so I just saved what I wrote and I'm going to copy-paste it here and then fill you in on the stuff that happened later...
This is from Yesterday:
Hello! I am freshly showered and ready to tell you all about my insane day!!
Well....it started off terribly. I woke up in a bad/sad mood which was exasperated by other things and basically turned into my heart hurting again. :( So, I made my way up to devotions at 7:30 prepared to just suffer through the 10 minutes of talking and then retreat to my quiet time. I wanted to find some verses that are promises of God so that when I started having sad thoughts I could speak out Gods truth.
But, surprise!!! The devotions person announced that since her devotional was about unity we weren't going to go have individual "quiet times"....are you serious??!?! Did God not know that today of ALL days was the day that I really needed alone time with him? I was pretty much livid. And, to add to that I didn't have a problem with unity!! I like everyone here, and if I don't like them I've already gone up to them and talked through our issues - I was doin' great in the area of unity, didn't God know that? hello?!
Anyways, after "sticking it to God" by being silent during prayer we had a time of reconciliation. Basically just going up to people and apologizing for anything or bringing anything into the light that needed to be brought out, etc. So, I decided that I wanted to at least apologize to two girls for not making an effort to get to know them because we have some pretty severe language barriers - but that's no excuse. So, then I went up and apologized to another girl and another one for various reasons and I guess I realized that it's the little things, the little "annoyances" the little frustrations and the little limitations that I put on people that really can have an effect on unity and relationships!
And, guess what? A ton of people came up to me and apologized! Which was weird because I thought I was really liked....? haha But, what was really weird was that every person that came up to me was a CLOSE friend (not LaChelle, don't worry). And they ALL apologized for being jealous or threatened by me for various reasons!
I would have thought that being told that someone was jealous of you would make me feel more confident or something, but it didn't? It was really really awkward. You know what was weird was I felt the compulsion to put myself down to build them up...weird. But, I resisted the urge for the most part and just accepted their apology. Now, do I hide my giftings and stuff? A lot of the issues were rooted in my confidence...do I act less confident? I don't think so...
AND a few people came up to LaChelle and myself and told us that they were jealous of our friendship, (we're the only ones on the base that actually call ourselves "best friends"...well, we dont call ourselves that yet - we're both too nervous - but we've acknowledged the fact that it's true)! WEIRD! But awesome!!!
- - Okay, this is where I stopped last night but I'm going to pick it up now, but it's still about yesterday...confusing? :) - -
Anyways, that took about an hour and a half. I then grabbed some coffee (my mom sent me about 30 packets of Via Starbucks instant coffee...thank you!!) and headed back up immediately.
Then the really amazing stuff started happening!! We all got anointed and prophesied over! Oh my goodness it was amazing! We started with some worship and we were all asked to go up to the mike if we had a general prophecy or prayer over the base, and guess what?! I got one!! (oh, quick tangent - earlier that day a girl came up to me and told me that God told her that He was going to give me the gift of prophesy...cool) It was about a cyclone coming into the base and picking up all of the baggage that we were going to unload during the day and sweeping it out forever. I thought it was weird...but I went with it and one of the leaders came up to me later and said that God had given her a very similar vision a few weeks ago and she didn't know what it meant so I helped her interpret it!! :)
THEN the speaker and his friend who has major giftings of prophecy came around us and anointed us each individually, prayed for the holy spirit to fill us up again (I've realized that I think you're baptized w/ the holy spirit once you become a Christian but you can be filled up and re-baptized which literally means to be immersed, over and over again) and then they prophesied over us. And all of our prophecies were different!!
I didn't get prayed over until about 2 hours into our prayer time so by the time they got to me I was already completly open to the Holy Spirit! I actually told God, "I'm not going to accept anything less than a tangible encounter with you today!" I'm not positive if it was okay for me to tell God that so blatantly but, he definitely honored my request! I guess you could say I demanded my inheritance! :)
IT WAS AWESOME!!! Immediately once I was annointed I started laughing, or sobbing I couldn't really tell... LaChelle was my scribe and wrote down everything they said, which was a LOT so I can't type it all up but I'll give you the most prominent and powerful words.
The main prophecy was that I would get exactly what my heart desired - they said that God knows that my heart desires a LOT and that because of my great faith (maybe my great demand-ment...) He is going to honor me and give me EVERYTHING! Every spiritual gift I want is mine...HOW FREAKING COOL!!!!
The other guy told me that while he was watching me pray and worship thorughout the day he kept seeing a visible light coming out of me - not just a vision but a real light coming out of my body. He said that everyone in the room couldn't keep their eyes off of me. He told me that I would smile for the rest of my life and that light would bring people to the Lord!! :)
And the most important prophesy was this one: I was told that I had a specific anointing and gift of entertaining God's presence. The guy basically said that he had never seen someone so gifted in entertaining God before - he literally likes watching me?!! :) He said that I have the annointing to bring it anywhere I go, down the street, to work, while I sleep - God always wants to be with me because I entertain his presence and can invite it in to every place! He said that it's a powerful gift because it not only entertains God but it in turn entertains others and opens them up to His presence!! HOW COOL!!!!!!!
Well...all of this sounds really "braggy" BUT hey, I'm alright with being blessed by the Holy Spirit! I mean, you can too!!! LaChelle had a really cool prophecy too! But, it would take too long to type! But, I'll just let you know that it was TOTALLY different than mine but equally amazing and encouraging! She's so strong! I love it! :)
Okay, well guess what....we prayed for 5 1/2 hours!!! From 7:30 - 1:00!!!! INSANE! If you would have told me that I'd ENJOY praying for 5 1/2 hours I would have immediately dismissed you...but I did! WEIRD! :)
Well, after that I was thoroughly hungry so I devoured my lunch. Then we headed out to our evangelism for the day. My team went to a VERY Muslim area, almost everything was in Arabic and stuff. We were given a CD from an Arabic Christian artist to give away and then a brochure for a "house of healing" in the area. Then we were split up into groups of two and sent out....WHAT?! I was terrified!! :)
But, the girl I was with was just as terrified as me so we just prayed and started walking. We walked by a clothing store that only sold traditional Islamic women's clothing and I, being really interested in sociology and the basic lives of different people, really wanted to learn more about their fashion. So, we walked in and were greeted by two girls in their early twenties wearing traditional Muslim clothing. We handed them a CD and then just started talking....and wow did we hit it off!!
We talked about accents, boys, travel, culture EVERYTHING! We mentioned that we were here for a Christian school and they were very open to that and didn't get offended! Then I asked them about their different religious rules in regards to their clothing. They explained a lot and asked if we had any questions about their religion, etc. So, we asked them a LOT about their beliefs, etc. but never once argued or even mentioned what we believe in, we just listened. I was getting worried that I was doing this whole evangelism thing wrong considering I hadn't mentioned Jesus yet but I just kept praying for the Holy Spirit to guide me and the conversation and trusted that He was in control.
Then about 45 minutes into the conversation it shifted! They started asking US about our religion, about the trinity and how it worked, about forgiveness of sins, even about Jesus and the Holy Spirit! It was awesome! They were obviously still very convinced of the truth of Islam but they were very interested in learning about Christianity. I accidentally mentioned that their view of hell was a lot like Dante's inferno...and they said they had never heard of that book and they wrote down the title so they could buy it...oops, not exactly great Christian doctrine - but, the Holy Spirit can overcome it! :)
Then our leader came and found us (they got worried after we didn't show back up at our meeting point on time...oops) and told us it was time to go. But, guess what? The girls didn't want us to leave! they said they were having a great time talking and wanted to do it again. So, I got their number and gave them mine and now we are going out for Lebanese food on Monday so they can finish asking us questions!!!
WHAT?!?!?! Did that for real happen?!? I've NEVER told ANYONE about Jesus before and my first experience is a pair of Muslim girls?! The Holy Spirit definitely has a finesse for the insane! :)
Well, that pretty much gave me and Emily the best high ever and we were very excited to tell everyone else on the bus ride home!!! After that we had dinner, cleaned up, and then had another 2 1/2 hour lecture!
I went to bed fully exhausted and with a migraine and woke up this morning with the migraine intensified.
I had a bad dream last night about Kev showing me a picture of a girl and convincing me that I wasn't beautiful and would never be as good looking as her...that sucked. And it put me in a very bad mood for the day - which was only intensified as the day went on.
I guess I'd refer to today as a "Holy Hangover". I had such a great day yesterday that today was the hangover from yesterday - and it hit hard!!! Both physically and emotionally! I've cried ALL day today... I've had a migrane all day, a sore throat, and sinus problems - not to mention my lack of sleep. So, I skipped out on some things so I could sleep more but I woke up just as sick as I went to bed.
AND to counter my sickness I accidently took too many meds on an empty stomach so now I feel like I'm floating everywhere...
BUT, my family at home has REALLY helped! I don't understand how it's possible to be as wonderful as my mom and dad and sister! I really really hope that I'm exactly like them when I grow up! I LOVE THEM!!! They somehow make me feel like I'm literally being held by all of them! And it makes me feel really really special!
It's now 2:30PM and I've started to be a little bit more anchored to the ground and I've started to feel a liiiiittle bit better, however the hangover remains. BUT I wouldn't change a thing! Yesterday was worth it!!!
I've got to go make dinner now...maybe if I cough a few times I'll get off the hook ;)
I'll update again later. I love you all!
G'Later!
Hey, quick update:
I'm still feeling awful BUT God is sweet. I had to go up to work duties but I walked upstairs and the girl who has the office for her work duty said she wanted to switch with me. So, I thought it'd be a good idea especially b/c I didn't want to contaminate any food. Soooo I went upstairs to the office and the girl who leads it had the day off, which meant that I did too!
So, I had extra time to finish some homework assingments and even go on a donut date with LaChelle and Josh! But, the walk there and back wore me out.
I walked into the rec room and Jo immediately said, "wow. you look like you have had an absolutely rough day." And, he is right...please keep on praying - everything is hard. AND I'm getting up at 4:30 again tomorrow to go surfing AND the forecast is rain... yikes.
I appreciate all of your prayers, I'm POSITIVE that they're working and being answered. I would love it if you would all just pray for God's will in my life to take place! I know that's exactly what I want...even if it's not "exactly" what I want, you know? :) Thank you!
G'Night!
This is from Yesterday:
Hello! I am freshly showered and ready to tell you all about my insane day!!
Well....it started off terribly. I woke up in a bad/sad mood which was exasperated by other things and basically turned into my heart hurting again. :( So, I made my way up to devotions at 7:30 prepared to just suffer through the 10 minutes of talking and then retreat to my quiet time. I wanted to find some verses that are promises of God so that when I started having sad thoughts I could speak out Gods truth.
But, surprise!!! The devotions person announced that since her devotional was about unity we weren't going to go have individual "quiet times"....are you serious??!?! Did God not know that today of ALL days was the day that I really needed alone time with him? I was pretty much livid. And, to add to that I didn't have a problem with unity!! I like everyone here, and if I don't like them I've already gone up to them and talked through our issues - I was doin' great in the area of unity, didn't God know that? hello?!
Anyways, after "sticking it to God" by being silent during prayer we had a time of reconciliation. Basically just going up to people and apologizing for anything or bringing anything into the light that needed to be brought out, etc. So, I decided that I wanted to at least apologize to two girls for not making an effort to get to know them because we have some pretty severe language barriers - but that's no excuse. So, then I went up and apologized to another girl and another one for various reasons and I guess I realized that it's the little things, the little "annoyances" the little frustrations and the little limitations that I put on people that really can have an effect on unity and relationships!
And, guess what? A ton of people came up to me and apologized! Which was weird because I thought I was really liked....? haha But, what was really weird was that every person that came up to me was a CLOSE friend (not LaChelle, don't worry). And they ALL apologized for being jealous or threatened by me for various reasons!
I would have thought that being told that someone was jealous of you would make me feel more confident or something, but it didn't? It was really really awkward. You know what was weird was I felt the compulsion to put myself down to build them up...weird. But, I resisted the urge for the most part and just accepted their apology. Now, do I hide my giftings and stuff? A lot of the issues were rooted in my confidence...do I act less confident? I don't think so...
AND a few people came up to LaChelle and myself and told us that they were jealous of our friendship, (we're the only ones on the base that actually call ourselves "best friends"...well, we dont call ourselves that yet - we're both too nervous - but we've acknowledged the fact that it's true)! WEIRD! But awesome!!!
- - Okay, this is where I stopped last night but I'm going to pick it up now, but it's still about yesterday...confusing? :) - -
Anyways, that took about an hour and a half. I then grabbed some coffee (my mom sent me about 30 packets of Via Starbucks instant coffee...thank you!!) and headed back up immediately.
Then the really amazing stuff started happening!! We all got anointed and prophesied over! Oh my goodness it was amazing! We started with some worship and we were all asked to go up to the mike if we had a general prophecy or prayer over the base, and guess what?! I got one!! (oh, quick tangent - earlier that day a girl came up to me and told me that God told her that He was going to give me the gift of prophesy...cool) It was about a cyclone coming into the base and picking up all of the baggage that we were going to unload during the day and sweeping it out forever. I thought it was weird...but I went with it and one of the leaders came up to me later and said that God had given her a very similar vision a few weeks ago and she didn't know what it meant so I helped her interpret it!! :)
THEN the speaker and his friend who has major giftings of prophecy came around us and anointed us each individually, prayed for the holy spirit to fill us up again (I've realized that I think you're baptized w/ the holy spirit once you become a Christian but you can be filled up and re-baptized which literally means to be immersed, over and over again) and then they prophesied over us. And all of our prophecies were different!!
I didn't get prayed over until about 2 hours into our prayer time so by the time they got to me I was already completly open to the Holy Spirit! I actually told God, "I'm not going to accept anything less than a tangible encounter with you today!" I'm not positive if it was okay for me to tell God that so blatantly but, he definitely honored my request! I guess you could say I demanded my inheritance! :)
IT WAS AWESOME!!! Immediately once I was annointed I started laughing, or sobbing I couldn't really tell... LaChelle was my scribe and wrote down everything they said, which was a LOT so I can't type it all up but I'll give you the most prominent and powerful words.
The main prophecy was that I would get exactly what my heart desired - they said that God knows that my heart desires a LOT and that because of my great faith (maybe my great demand-ment...) He is going to honor me and give me EVERYTHING! Every spiritual gift I want is mine...HOW FREAKING COOL!!!!
The other guy told me that while he was watching me pray and worship thorughout the day he kept seeing a visible light coming out of me - not just a vision but a real light coming out of my body. He said that everyone in the room couldn't keep their eyes off of me. He told me that I would smile for the rest of my life and that light would bring people to the Lord!! :)
And the most important prophesy was this one: I was told that I had a specific anointing and gift of entertaining God's presence. The guy basically said that he had never seen someone so gifted in entertaining God before - he literally likes watching me?!! :) He said that I have the annointing to bring it anywhere I go, down the street, to work, while I sleep - God always wants to be with me because I entertain his presence and can invite it in to every place! He said that it's a powerful gift because it not only entertains God but it in turn entertains others and opens them up to His presence!! HOW COOL!!!!!!!
Well...all of this sounds really "braggy" BUT hey, I'm alright with being blessed by the Holy Spirit! I mean, you can too!!! LaChelle had a really cool prophecy too! But, it would take too long to type! But, I'll just let you know that it was TOTALLY different than mine but equally amazing and encouraging! She's so strong! I love it! :)
Okay, well guess what....we prayed for 5 1/2 hours!!! From 7:30 - 1:00!!!! INSANE! If you would have told me that I'd ENJOY praying for 5 1/2 hours I would have immediately dismissed you...but I did! WEIRD! :)
Well, after that I was thoroughly hungry so I devoured my lunch. Then we headed out to our evangelism for the day. My team went to a VERY Muslim area, almost everything was in Arabic and stuff. We were given a CD from an Arabic Christian artist to give away and then a brochure for a "house of healing" in the area. Then we were split up into groups of two and sent out....WHAT?! I was terrified!! :)
But, the girl I was with was just as terrified as me so we just prayed and started walking. We walked by a clothing store that only sold traditional Islamic women's clothing and I, being really interested in sociology and the basic lives of different people, really wanted to learn more about their fashion. So, we walked in and were greeted by two girls in their early twenties wearing traditional Muslim clothing. We handed them a CD and then just started talking....and wow did we hit it off!!
We talked about accents, boys, travel, culture EVERYTHING! We mentioned that we were here for a Christian school and they were very open to that and didn't get offended! Then I asked them about their different religious rules in regards to their clothing. They explained a lot and asked if we had any questions about their religion, etc. So, we asked them a LOT about their beliefs, etc. but never once argued or even mentioned what we believe in, we just listened. I was getting worried that I was doing this whole evangelism thing wrong considering I hadn't mentioned Jesus yet but I just kept praying for the Holy Spirit to guide me and the conversation and trusted that He was in control.
Then about 45 minutes into the conversation it shifted! They started asking US about our religion, about the trinity and how it worked, about forgiveness of sins, even about Jesus and the Holy Spirit! It was awesome! They were obviously still very convinced of the truth of Islam but they were very interested in learning about Christianity. I accidentally mentioned that their view of hell was a lot like Dante's inferno...and they said they had never heard of that book and they wrote down the title so they could buy it...oops, not exactly great Christian doctrine - but, the Holy Spirit can overcome it! :)
Then our leader came and found us (they got worried after we didn't show back up at our meeting point on time...oops) and told us it was time to go. But, guess what? The girls didn't want us to leave! they said they were having a great time talking and wanted to do it again. So, I got their number and gave them mine and now we are going out for Lebanese food on Monday so they can finish asking us questions!!!
WHAT?!?!?! Did that for real happen?!? I've NEVER told ANYONE about Jesus before and my first experience is a pair of Muslim girls?! The Holy Spirit definitely has a finesse for the insane! :)
Well, that pretty much gave me and Emily the best high ever and we were very excited to tell everyone else on the bus ride home!!! After that we had dinner, cleaned up, and then had another 2 1/2 hour lecture!
I went to bed fully exhausted and with a migraine and woke up this morning with the migraine intensified.
I had a bad dream last night about Kev showing me a picture of a girl and convincing me that I wasn't beautiful and would never be as good looking as her...that sucked. And it put me in a very bad mood for the day - which was only intensified as the day went on.
I guess I'd refer to today as a "Holy Hangover". I had such a great day yesterday that today was the hangover from yesterday - and it hit hard!!! Both physically and emotionally! I've cried ALL day today... I've had a migrane all day, a sore throat, and sinus problems - not to mention my lack of sleep. So, I skipped out on some things so I could sleep more but I woke up just as sick as I went to bed.
AND to counter my sickness I accidently took too many meds on an empty stomach so now I feel like I'm floating everywhere...
BUT, my family at home has REALLY helped! I don't understand how it's possible to be as wonderful as my mom and dad and sister! I really really hope that I'm exactly like them when I grow up! I LOVE THEM!!! They somehow make me feel like I'm literally being held by all of them! And it makes me feel really really special!
It's now 2:30PM and I've started to be a little bit more anchored to the ground and I've started to feel a liiiiittle bit better, however the hangover remains. BUT I wouldn't change a thing! Yesterday was worth it!!!
I've got to go make dinner now...maybe if I cough a few times I'll get off the hook ;)
I'll update again later. I love you all!
G'Later!
Hey, quick update:
I'm still feeling awful BUT God is sweet. I had to go up to work duties but I walked upstairs and the girl who has the office for her work duty said she wanted to switch with me. So, I thought it'd be a good idea especially b/c I didn't want to contaminate any food. Soooo I went upstairs to the office and the girl who leads it had the day off, which meant that I did too!
So, I had extra time to finish some homework assingments and even go on a donut date with LaChelle and Josh! But, the walk there and back wore me out.
I walked into the rec room and Jo immediately said, "wow. you look like you have had an absolutely rough day." And, he is right...please keep on praying - everything is hard. AND I'm getting up at 4:30 again tomorrow to go surfing AND the forecast is rain... yikes.
I appreciate all of your prayers, I'm POSITIVE that they're working and being answered. I would love it if you would all just pray for God's will in my life to take place! I know that's exactly what I want...even if it's not "exactly" what I want, you know? :) Thank you!
G'Night!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A Little Bit Deeper into My Heart
Hey, one more thing. You know how often times lyrics speak my mind better than I can myself? Well, I found another song that does that! It's by a guy named Matthew Mayfield. He's not a Christian artist, and the song doesn't really talk about anything that God's doing in my life BUT I love the lyrics. They're written from a guy's perspective to a girl, just by the way.
Here they are:
Inside her garden lies the secret in the light and I'd love to make her mine. An Iris, her soul, violet - her heart, the woman I've needed from the start, the woman I've needed from the start.
Make me a man, show me how to fight. Take that woman, make her my bride, show us the new meaning of lives entwined.
I am in love, I am in love, I am in love with you but we've got bigger things to do, like chase a new life on the heels of a new found train and take on the world with the girl and her new last name. Fight for you, this I can do.
When we've both grown tired and we're covered in scars I won't give up on your heart, please don't give up on my heart.
make me a man - show me how to fight, take that woman, maker her my bride. Show us the new meaning of lives entwined. Fight for me - won't you please...
I am in love, I am in love, I am in love with you but we've got bigger things to do like chase a new life on the heels of a new found train and take on the world with the girl and her new last name. Fight for you, this I can do. Fight for you this I can do. This I can do...this I can do...this I can do...
Oh my goodness (this is Clancy talking again, by the way)!!! I LOVE THEM!!! "fight for you, this I can do" I love that.
Well, I just thought I'd let you in a little bit more into my heart and what I'm feeling and thinking. :)
G'Night!
P.S. If you want to send me any letters you can! I've been meaning to post the address that you can reach me at! It's pretty expensive b/c hello, it's to Australia, BUT just in case you are bored and want to write the address is:
Clancy Cauble
PO Box 492
Mount Druitt, NSW 2770
Here they are:
Inside her garden lies the secret in the light and I'd love to make her mine. An Iris, her soul, violet - her heart, the woman I've needed from the start, the woman I've needed from the start.
Make me a man, show me how to fight. Take that woman, make her my bride, show us the new meaning of lives entwined.
I am in love, I am in love, I am in love with you but we've got bigger things to do, like chase a new life on the heels of a new found train and take on the world with the girl and her new last name. Fight for you, this I can do.
When we've both grown tired and we're covered in scars I won't give up on your heart, please don't give up on my heart.
make me a man - show me how to fight, take that woman, maker her my bride. Show us the new meaning of lives entwined. Fight for me - won't you please...
I am in love, I am in love, I am in love with you but we've got bigger things to do like chase a new life on the heels of a new found train and take on the world with the girl and her new last name. Fight for you, this I can do. Fight for you this I can do. This I can do...this I can do...this I can do...
Oh my goodness (this is Clancy talking again, by the way)!!! I LOVE THEM!!! "fight for you, this I can do" I love that.
Well, I just thought I'd let you in a little bit more into my heart and what I'm feeling and thinking. :)
G'Night!
P.S. If you want to send me any letters you can! I've been meaning to post the address that you can reach me at! It's pretty expensive b/c hello, it's to Australia, BUT just in case you are bored and want to write the address is:
Clancy Cauble
PO Box 492
Mount Druitt, NSW 2770
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My Hurting Heart
Does emotional pain ever manifest itself in the physical for you? Well, it does for me, a lot. And, it ALWAYS manifests itself in the form of pain in my heart - a very physical, heavy, and tangible pain. I used to always tell kevin, "My heart's hurting for you" or "you're making my heart hurt" or "oh my goodness, my heart is aching for that family" and I don't think he ever really understood that I meant it literally!
Well, right now my heart is hurting - physically and emotionally. I am going to be honest and say that today has been HARD. It started off initially good by talking to my mom on skype, but ended on a bad note because we finished by talking about Kev. And it just went downhill from there (there were a few good little uphill bumps, but I'm talking in generality right now).
Do you know what I realized? I guess it just hit me. I am having to grieve from a serious break up. I gave this person my heart in its entirety and now I'm having to get it back, pick it up and carry its heavy broken pieces by myself. And not only am I just going through this hurt and serious pain but I am on the entire opposite side of the world. My family isn't close to me physically - I haven't even been able to have anyone give me a hug or hold me while I cried. And it hurts. Plain and simple, it hurts.
I think that God uses my physical weakness, like my lack of sleep last night and my lack of food (it's fasting day again today) to show me these hurts that have been in my heart for a while. Now I'm just waiting for Him to help me out. I literally feel 100%, totally, completely, and utterly helpless and empty. If you've already picked up on it a little I have really really really deep emotions so when I feel something like helplessness it's not just a "oh, no I don't know what to do right now". It is a feeling of utter incapacitation.
All I want to do is retreat and return, but literally as I was typing that sentence Phlippians 1:6 popped into my head, okay I admit I had to google the reference...I'm not that smart yet, but the words to the verse popped in my head. It says "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." and I read a short commentary on the verse and it's brought me to tears because I am convinced it's the sweet voice of the Lord affirming me. Here's my version of the commentary:
"Being confident" - this is really really strong language, and is from the Greek word being "to persuade". This means that Paul was 100% convinced, and persuaded that the words he was speaking were completely truth there was no doubt in His mind - and there's not in mine either!
"...that HE who began a GOOD WORK in you" - This is saying that GOD started the good work in me. How wonderful!! Even though it was "my idea" to break up, it wasn't me - it was God. Which is wonderful because, anything started by me is liable to fail. But, I know that EVERYTHING started by God is promised to be permanent and lasting. Also, that totally takes the pressure off of me!! I don't have to begin this good work, and (as you'll read in the next paragraph) I don't have to to DO it either - it's allll Him because he loves me so much!
"Will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" - I LOVE THIS! God's not going to start this incredibly hard work in my life and then just leave it up to me to finish, or walk out on me unfinished. No, he is going to carry IT and ME into completion. And you know what? The word completion implies an end, a finish, a time period. Which encourages me that this is not an un-ending pain, it has a beginning (oh boy does it have a hard beginning) but, it will also have an end.
Wow - can I just tell you something? I was telling LaChelle the other day that I didn't now if I was really baptised in the Holy Spirit and truly living in the fullness of his gifts - but I can testify right now that I am! Today has been, and still is, one of the hardest days I've had since my arrival but, the Lord has spoken to me more today than any other day!!
My heart is still heavy, I'm still holding back tears, I still just want to run up into someone's arms and be held for hours, and I'm still terrified that I'll just run back to the familiar. HOWEVER, I know that what God has started in me HE will finish and HE will give me the strength to make it through and HE will hold me in his arms and let me cry as much as I want and HE will comfort the heart of my loved one. And if there is one thing I know more than anything else of my God it is that he is big - really big - and He is in charge. Even though this time is really hard and it makes me feel like I'm walking in a pool of sticky tar, I know that I am going to come out on the other side stronger, fuller, and HAPPIER!!
Well, all of my normal comfort things to do are unavailable to me right now (physical touch of a loved one, yummy comfort food, my family, my dog, EVERYTHING) so you know what I'm going to go do? Swing. I'm going to go to that swingset I found a few weeks ago and cry while swinging with God. I'll let you know how I feel when I get back.
I love you all - a lot, I mean it. And please please please please be sensitive in your comments, I'm being really vulnerable and my heart is already hurting, please don't hurt it more. Thank you.
I'll write again soon.
Okay, here's a little update about my date with God:
Well, I thought that it was bright and sunny outside. Then I walked outside and it was overcast, dark, cold, and windy....But, I just grabbed my sweatshirt and headed out to the swings, undaunted. But, the usually secluded swing set was overrun by local teenage guys - definitely not a nice quiet spot to have a date with God. So, I decided to take a walk with God instead, but I couldn't walk anywhere with trees for fear of the magpies. So, I just started walking around on the cement, and then headed back inside the base, and right as I did it started to rain.
Now, normally I would think that that whole situation would make me sad. But, it didn't! I really have no idea why it didn't make me sad! And, in fact my heart isn't hurting as much as it was! You know what I think it was? I think that God wanted to say to me, "Hey, you don't have to DO anything...in fact, I don't want you to do anything. Just know that I'm powerful enough to heal you with just my presence."
ALSO, I forgot to tell you, I got a VERY timely email from my mom that had a lecture from Dr. Henry Cloud on it that spoke to exactly what I'm feeling lately!! It's only 9 minutes long! Here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/DrHenryCloud#!/video/video.php?v=10150091602669972 I highly recommend watching it!
Well, I really really appreciate all of your prayers! Oh, and by the way I have good news!!! LaChelle, AND Jo are both going on the same outreach as me!!! :) AND I'm getting to surf withe the boarders DTS EVERY Saturday!
Okay, I like you all, and I'll write again tomorrow!
G'Later
Well, right now my heart is hurting - physically and emotionally. I am going to be honest and say that today has been HARD. It started off initially good by talking to my mom on skype, but ended on a bad note because we finished by talking about Kev. And it just went downhill from there (there were a few good little uphill bumps, but I'm talking in generality right now).
Do you know what I realized? I guess it just hit me. I am having to grieve from a serious break up. I gave this person my heart in its entirety and now I'm having to get it back, pick it up and carry its heavy broken pieces by myself. And not only am I just going through this hurt and serious pain but I am on the entire opposite side of the world. My family isn't close to me physically - I haven't even been able to have anyone give me a hug or hold me while I cried. And it hurts. Plain and simple, it hurts.
I think that God uses my physical weakness, like my lack of sleep last night and my lack of food (it's fasting day again today) to show me these hurts that have been in my heart for a while. Now I'm just waiting for Him to help me out. I literally feel 100%, totally, completely, and utterly helpless and empty. If you've already picked up on it a little I have really really really deep emotions so when I feel something like helplessness it's not just a "oh, no I don't know what to do right now". It is a feeling of utter incapacitation.
All I want to do is retreat and return, but literally as I was typing that sentence Phlippians 1:6 popped into my head, okay I admit I had to google the reference...I'm not that smart yet, but the words to the verse popped in my head. It says "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." and I read a short commentary on the verse and it's brought me to tears because I am convinced it's the sweet voice of the Lord affirming me. Here's my version of the commentary:
"Being confident" - this is really really strong language, and is from the Greek word being "to persuade". This means that Paul was 100% convinced, and persuaded that the words he was speaking were completely truth there was no doubt in His mind - and there's not in mine either!
"...that HE who began a GOOD WORK in you" - This is saying that GOD started the good work in me. How wonderful!! Even though it was "my idea" to break up, it wasn't me - it was God. Which is wonderful because, anything started by me is liable to fail. But, I know that EVERYTHING started by God is promised to be permanent and lasting. Also, that totally takes the pressure off of me!! I don't have to begin this good work, and (as you'll read in the next paragraph) I don't have to to DO it either - it's allll Him because he loves me so much!
"Will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" - I LOVE THIS! God's not going to start this incredibly hard work in my life and then just leave it up to me to finish, or walk out on me unfinished. No, he is going to carry IT and ME into completion. And you know what? The word completion implies an end, a finish, a time period. Which encourages me that this is not an un-ending pain, it has a beginning (oh boy does it have a hard beginning) but, it will also have an end.
Wow - can I just tell you something? I was telling LaChelle the other day that I didn't now if I was really baptised in the Holy Spirit and truly living in the fullness of his gifts - but I can testify right now that I am! Today has been, and still is, one of the hardest days I've had since my arrival but, the Lord has spoken to me more today than any other day!!
My heart is still heavy, I'm still holding back tears, I still just want to run up into someone's arms and be held for hours, and I'm still terrified that I'll just run back to the familiar. HOWEVER, I know that what God has started in me HE will finish and HE will give me the strength to make it through and HE will hold me in his arms and let me cry as much as I want and HE will comfort the heart of my loved one. And if there is one thing I know more than anything else of my God it is that he is big - really big - and He is in charge. Even though this time is really hard and it makes me feel like I'm walking in a pool of sticky tar, I know that I am going to come out on the other side stronger, fuller, and HAPPIER!!
Well, all of my normal comfort things to do are unavailable to me right now (physical touch of a loved one, yummy comfort food, my family, my dog, EVERYTHING) so you know what I'm going to go do? Swing. I'm going to go to that swingset I found a few weeks ago and cry while swinging with God. I'll let you know how I feel when I get back.
I love you all - a lot, I mean it. And please please please please be sensitive in your comments, I'm being really vulnerable and my heart is already hurting, please don't hurt it more. Thank you.
I'll write again soon.
Okay, here's a little update about my date with God:
Well, I thought that it was bright and sunny outside. Then I walked outside and it was overcast, dark, cold, and windy....But, I just grabbed my sweatshirt and headed out to the swings, undaunted. But, the usually secluded swing set was overrun by local teenage guys - definitely not a nice quiet spot to have a date with God. So, I decided to take a walk with God instead, but I couldn't walk anywhere with trees for fear of the magpies. So, I just started walking around on the cement, and then headed back inside the base, and right as I did it started to rain.
Now, normally I would think that that whole situation would make me sad. But, it didn't! I really have no idea why it didn't make me sad! And, in fact my heart isn't hurting as much as it was! You know what I think it was? I think that God wanted to say to me, "Hey, you don't have to DO anything...in fact, I don't want you to do anything. Just know that I'm powerful enough to heal you with just my presence."
ALSO, I forgot to tell you, I got a VERY timely email from my mom that had a lecture from Dr. Henry Cloud on it that spoke to exactly what I'm feeling lately!! It's only 9 minutes long! Here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/DrHenryCloud#!/video/video.php?v=10150091602669972 I highly recommend watching it!
Well, I really really appreciate all of your prayers! Oh, and by the way I have good news!!! LaChelle, AND Jo are both going on the same outreach as me!!! :) AND I'm getting to surf withe the boarders DTS EVERY Saturday!
Okay, I like you all, and I'll write again tomorrow!
G'Later
Refreshing My Memory
I think I've eaten an entire box of donuts today...and I love it.
But, that really has nothing to do with my day! Actually, let me tell you about it!
We had an early start today because we are having an audit and had to get everything insanely clean! Our base is the youngest YWAM base in all of New South Whales, BUT we were the ones chosen to be audited in order to receive an accreditation as a school in order for future students to be able to apply for a student visa! So, our entire staff is taking it realllly seriously, which means all of us students were up bright and early cleaning every visible surface, and every hidden surface too!
I wiped down every single square inch of the dining room, re-organized the fridge, cleaned the base director's office, and pulled about 8 pounds of weeds! Oh, just as a tangent - I was thinking, do you think they had weeds in the garden of eden? I mean, I'm sure they did...but what was their purpose? They're not pretty. They don't smell good. They really don't serve any purpose other than to kill nice plants and be annoying to YWAM students during a work duty...so why did God even create them before the fall? Let me know if you have an answer!
Anyways, after becoming thoroughly sweaty (it's finally summer here, and it has come full force making up for all lost time...) I took a FABULOUS shower...am I getting too detailed?
Oh, and I forgot I took a bunch of pictures of my room (it's the cleanest it's ever been) and I'll post them on facebook later so that you can all get more of a feel of my every day life! One day I'll remember to take my phone with me everywhere so I can give you kind of like "a day in the life..."
Ok, back to my day: After lunch we headed up to our first lecture over "The Holy Spirit"! We have a guest speaker who is AMAZING!!!!!!! I don't even know WHERE to start!
Basically - by the end of this week I KNOW that I will have an amazing supernatural event take place in my life that will absolutely blow my mind, then I'll share it with you and it'll blow yours too!! I'm learning that God is a God of evidence. Yes, he is definitely a God of faith, as can be seen with grace by faith alone. However, the Holy Spirit (equally a part of God) is an evidence-shower (I made that term up). He desires to give us convincing evidence and proof of His supernatural power and knowledge of our life. Whether that's in a word of knowledge from someone else, a supernatural healing, a prophecy, a sweet word from someone else that was much needed and given at the right time, or even maybe he'll put a new person in your life just at the right time - however he decides to show you that he knows you, the Holy Spirit wants to!!
And, I guess I had kind of a revelation today. The Holy Spirit is a relational being! I know that sounds so 1st grade, considering I already knew that God was a relational being and that Jesus was as well, and that they are all a part of the trinity - so why didn't I connect the dots that the Holy Spirit is relational too? Well, for whatever reason, I hadn't. And now I get it!! The Holy Spirit isn't just like this magic wand that uses power whenever I "call on him" - He wants to be in relationship with me just as much as Jesus does! And from that relationship spouts his "magic power" :)
We kind of got onto a tangent of talking about healing during our lecture today and a few students were really struggling with reconciling God healing some people and maybe "not healing" others. And, I really felt led to tell my story - and it made me soooooo nervous I literally started to shake. But, after I heard a girl tell a story about a guy she knew who had back problems, got prayed over for healing, but still ended up needing the surgery I was convinced that I truly did need to tell my story.
So, I shakily raised my hand and told her about how when I was born I had a large hole in my heart between the two main valves. My parents, being strong believers, decided they would wait for healing - so, over the next 6 years of my life they prayed, had other people pray over me, everything they could do asking God to heal me. But, it came to a time when the doctors (and God) said that I really needed to get the surgery before I got any older. Slightly distraught they made the appointment for my open heart surgery - but, no sooner did they "pencil it in" then they found out that there had been a recent discovery in the scientific world that revolutionized the WAY they did heart surgeries. In just that year they had discovered a way to go UNDER the rib cage and take the heart out of the body which made it a minimally invasive surgery instead of the previous surgery which would have included them breaking my rib cage and me having a long and excruciating recovery. So, guess what?!?! God DID heal me!!! He just used the doctors to do it, and He did it in HIS timing.
My (well, God's) story really helped the girl reconcile God's confusing ways, and it felt SO good to be able to help someone else by just talking...which I love to do. :) And, it has been SO long since I've told anyone that story I had actually forgotten what a miracle it was myself, so it was a nice little refresher!
Shortly after that the guy answered a few other questions and then released us for dinner. Well, of course I couldn't possibly go to dinner without blogging about everything I've learned!!! So, now I have to go and eat (it's Joe's birthday so I get to be at the special "birthday table" where they serve coke and cake!!!)
BUT, we have another 2 hour lecture tonight after dinner, so I'll try and find some time to update another short blog (well, maybe long if I learn a lot) after that!
G'Later
But, that really has nothing to do with my day! Actually, let me tell you about it!
We had an early start today because we are having an audit and had to get everything insanely clean! Our base is the youngest YWAM base in all of New South Whales, BUT we were the ones chosen to be audited in order to receive an accreditation as a school in order for future students to be able to apply for a student visa! So, our entire staff is taking it realllly seriously, which means all of us students were up bright and early cleaning every visible surface, and every hidden surface too!
I wiped down every single square inch of the dining room, re-organized the fridge, cleaned the base director's office, and pulled about 8 pounds of weeds! Oh, just as a tangent - I was thinking, do you think they had weeds in the garden of eden? I mean, I'm sure they did...but what was their purpose? They're not pretty. They don't smell good. They really don't serve any purpose other than to kill nice plants and be annoying to YWAM students during a work duty...so why did God even create them before the fall? Let me know if you have an answer!
Anyways, after becoming thoroughly sweaty (it's finally summer here, and it has come full force making up for all lost time...) I took a FABULOUS shower...am I getting too detailed?
Oh, and I forgot I took a bunch of pictures of my room (it's the cleanest it's ever been) and I'll post them on facebook later so that you can all get more of a feel of my every day life! One day I'll remember to take my phone with me everywhere so I can give you kind of like "a day in the life..."
Ok, back to my day: After lunch we headed up to our first lecture over "The Holy Spirit"! We have a guest speaker who is AMAZING!!!!!!! I don't even know WHERE to start!
Basically - by the end of this week I KNOW that I will have an amazing supernatural event take place in my life that will absolutely blow my mind, then I'll share it with you and it'll blow yours too!! I'm learning that God is a God of evidence. Yes, he is definitely a God of faith, as can be seen with grace by faith alone. However, the Holy Spirit (equally a part of God) is an evidence-shower (I made that term up). He desires to give us convincing evidence and proof of His supernatural power and knowledge of our life. Whether that's in a word of knowledge from someone else, a supernatural healing, a prophecy, a sweet word from someone else that was much needed and given at the right time, or even maybe he'll put a new person in your life just at the right time - however he decides to show you that he knows you, the Holy Spirit wants to!!
And, I guess I had kind of a revelation today. The Holy Spirit is a relational being! I know that sounds so 1st grade, considering I already knew that God was a relational being and that Jesus was as well, and that they are all a part of the trinity - so why didn't I connect the dots that the Holy Spirit is relational too? Well, for whatever reason, I hadn't. And now I get it!! The Holy Spirit isn't just like this magic wand that uses power whenever I "call on him" - He wants to be in relationship with me just as much as Jesus does! And from that relationship spouts his "magic power" :)
We kind of got onto a tangent of talking about healing during our lecture today and a few students were really struggling with reconciling God healing some people and maybe "not healing" others. And, I really felt led to tell my story - and it made me soooooo nervous I literally started to shake. But, after I heard a girl tell a story about a guy she knew who had back problems, got prayed over for healing, but still ended up needing the surgery I was convinced that I truly did need to tell my story.
So, I shakily raised my hand and told her about how when I was born I had a large hole in my heart between the two main valves. My parents, being strong believers, decided they would wait for healing - so, over the next 6 years of my life they prayed, had other people pray over me, everything they could do asking God to heal me. But, it came to a time when the doctors (and God) said that I really needed to get the surgery before I got any older. Slightly distraught they made the appointment for my open heart surgery - but, no sooner did they "pencil it in" then they found out that there had been a recent discovery in the scientific world that revolutionized the WAY they did heart surgeries. In just that year they had discovered a way to go UNDER the rib cage and take the heart out of the body which made it a minimally invasive surgery instead of the previous surgery which would have included them breaking my rib cage and me having a long and excruciating recovery. So, guess what?!?! God DID heal me!!! He just used the doctors to do it, and He did it in HIS timing.
My (well, God's) story really helped the girl reconcile God's confusing ways, and it felt SO good to be able to help someone else by just talking...which I love to do. :) And, it has been SO long since I've told anyone that story I had actually forgotten what a miracle it was myself, so it was a nice little refresher!
Shortly after that the guy answered a few other questions and then released us for dinner. Well, of course I couldn't possibly go to dinner without blogging about everything I've learned!!! So, now I have to go and eat (it's Joe's birthday so I get to be at the special "birthday table" where they serve coke and cake!!!)
BUT, we have another 2 hour lecture tonight after dinner, so I'll try and find some time to update another short blog (well, maybe long if I learn a lot) after that!
G'Later
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