Monday, October 4, 2010

Captivating

Hello!

Today hasn’t really even begun and yet I still just couldn’t wait to update. I finished my work duties early today so I decided to come into my room, get comfortable, and start reading Captivating! And, OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I feel so…understood! I’ve just GOT to share with you some of my heart! If I don’t I just might burst!!!

I wrote down some quotes that really spoke to me, so I’m going to share them with you. The first is probably the one that echoes what I’m feeling most right now. It is talking about the desires of a woman’s heart and says, “It’s not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more – a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are.” Oh my goodness…YES! I don’t just want to be beautiful, that’s wonderful, but I want to completely and utterly captivate someone’s heart! Not because of how I look, or what I do, or how much time I give to missions, I want to captivate him because of WHO I am! I want him to be captured by the unexplainable qualities of my heart that cannot be found in any other person, the weird idiosyncrasies of my personality, my deep excitement, my deep pain, the annoying things that I naturally do, EVERYTHING!

Another quote that spoke to my heart was “So God endows woman with certain qualities that are essential to relationship, qualities that speak of God. She is inviting. She is vulnerable. She is tender. She embodies mercy. She is also fierce and fiercely devoted.” I love that last part, “She is also fierce and fiercely devoted.” Sometimes I feel like I am too stubborn or too fiercely devoted to things. Like, I am very fiercely devoted to the hope that one day I will end up with someone that is captivated by me. And, I am fiercely devoted to making things happen and getting what I desire, like the other day when I told God, “I’m not going to accept anything less than you showing up and rocking my world today.” I think that God is fierce too!

As I sat down to write this I decided I needed some theme music! And, instead of going to the tried-and-true Phil Whickham I stumbled upon Tchaikovsky…I know, weird. But, I started listening to “Sleeping Beauty Waltz” and “Romeo and Juliet” and immediately I started imagining myself being swept off onto a dance floor, with a beautiful dress (flowy of course…) like Cinderella and her prince – totally romanced, graceful, beautiful and captivating. Then his Piano Concerto No. 1 came on and I immediately imagined myself as a strong warrior after a victory! Like I had just sacrificed everything I had with the utmost bravery and courage and was now being commended for my valor.

Just reading over this makes me blush, because it is so vulnerable and I feel incredibly stupid for writing it. But, am I the only one that feels this way? Am I the only girl out there that wants to be ravishing and courageous, at the same time? Am I the only girl who doesn’t want to settle for less than someone to be utterly captivated by who you are? I sure hope not!

The next quote is by John Elderedge about the heart of a man. He says, “Every man wants a battle to fight…every man longs for a beauty to rescue…it’s not just that a man needs a battle to fight. He needs someone to fight FOR. There is nothing that inspires a man to courage so much as the woman he loves.” I sure as heck hope he’s right!!! I know that pretty much only girls read my blog…actually I’m quit positive no guys other than my family read this…BUT if there are any guys out there please respond to this and let me know if that is true!! Do you really desire to fight for someone?

I’ve always wanted to be fought for. I’ve always wanted a man to be just as “fiercely devoted” as I am, but fiercely devoted to ME! Fiercely devoted to not taking “no” for an answer, fiercely devoted to never letting me get hurt, fiercely devoted to doing everything humanly possible to make sure I am his and he is mine.

A secret desire of mine has always been to be a muse for someone. I’ve always hoped that one day I would date a musician or artist and be his muse – whenever he needed to be inspired he would think of the one he loved and create a masterpiece. But, I’ve never thought of being the inspiration for courage! And, I love it! Whenever I need to stand strong and fight a battle I always think of someone I love, whether it be a person or God – maybe one day I’ll be that person for someone. Maybe I’ll inspire them to run into the face of danger like David did with Goliath, as opposed to sitting there and waiting to play defense.

I know that I have written some pretty vulnerable and emotional things on this blog, but this is BY FAR the most embarrassing and scary! I’m actually very nervous about pushing the “post entry” button. For some reason I almost feel guilty – like I don’t have the right to want all of this. Like, I should just be happy with what I have and realize that all of my desires could only have been fulfilled before the fall. Like, I’m expecting too much of men in general, as if I’m too emotional or “girly” for real life.

But, I’m going to go ahead and step out in faith and trust that if my desires are too much or if I am too emotional then God will let me know and HE will change my heart. But, as of right now I’m choosing to believe that I was made in HIS image and that he is a romantic, merciful, beautiful, fiercely devoted, and absolutely CAPTIVATING God.

Thank you for listening! :)

G’Later

14 comments:

  1. Thank you for this clancy, I feel the SAME exact way you do, word for word. This blog Captivated my heart, it really spoke to me and made me feel better that I'm not the only silly girl out there wishing and hoping for these things. Thank you for being so honest and open with your heart and emotions and laying it all on the line for others to read. I really appreciate it. :)

    Sincerely,
    Paola Grande

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  2. Clank, you just read my journal out loud.
    Love love love,
    Ana.

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  3. I loved this!

    I've read Captivating and Wild at Heart and both were amazing! (even though Wild at Heart is for men it gave me a lot of insight and he addressed the female readers so it was okay)

    All my friends say that i'm too picky but this is exactly how I feel!
    And I have so much respect for you for putting this out there!

    by the way, I just realized you probably have no idea who I am haha
    I'm pretty sure i've never spoken to you, but we were on the same team at camp
    and I work in children's at Plano so i've seen you in a lot of the Elevate videos (which sounds super creepy, sorry)

    and i'm an avid reader of your blog, so keep them coming! :D

    ~Kalie Kristine

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  4. you are so precious! i'm so envious (though not in the sadly hurtful way the girls you spoke of in in the last few posts are) of the way you seem to expres exactly how you feel about every situation. and always in a tactful and respectful manner. such an awesome quality that so few people possess. i love your blog- it makes me so happy to read your daily entries. i'm definitely praying for you!

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  5. I'm a guy and I read this post! And the part about guys wanting someone to fight for - absolutely true. And props to you for posting this!

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  6. Beautifully written Clancy. I enjoy reading your posts and I know you are speaking the words of so many other women. Deep down we all desire this. So thankful for you. Praying for you on this amazing journey! Amy Holt

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  7. I'm 50 years old, widowed, and I feel this way, too. Keep posting!
    Darlene

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  8. You deserve it all, and so much more.

    I have a wonderful husband who somehow still finds me captivating (and at times, exasperating, I am sure) after thirteen years of marriage.

    Being vulnerable is endearing and captivating in and of itself. Kudos to you for not giving into the temptation of being jaded.

    God has wonderful things in store for you! And a wonderful man, I am sure.

    Blessings!

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  9. I love your words and challenge you to not forget, don't settle for anything less when it comes to love. I am happily married for 24 years and I know that my husband adores me, and he tells me, he shows me, he lives it. I have four daughters and my fear is that they settle for less. DON'T SETTLE! God has that mate that He has designed just for you.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm passing along your blog to many teenage girls that I know.
    Many Blessings,
    April

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  10. I read your blog and also your Twitter (and your mom's too. Kudos to you and I thin most women feel this way. You are a precious child of God who is doing something that others are afraid to do or can't do - you should be proud. Do not listen to those who tell you that you are self-absorbed - you are one of the most thoughtful young ladies I've ever seen. Keep you the Good WOrk !!

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  11. I'm old enough to be your mama, and I can tell you this is exactly what women want, even the ones who won't admit it out loud for fear of sounding overly feminine and wimpy. Our culture has told us it's weak for women to feel like you do, but it's how God designed us, and there's nothing wrong with admitting it. Jesus told us to ask and we would receive, so don't be afraid to ask for all the qualities you want in a life partner. You're His little girl. He wants nothing less for you I'm sure.

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  12. LOVE this, Clancy! Oh, how it renews so much in my heart in my romance and adventure with Jesus. And I love how well you know yourself and are free to be yourself completely before Him...and before others.

    When you wrote about the type of woman you want to be, fiercely devoted and fierce, I couldn't help but think of Eowyn from "Lord of the Rings". She's a character that has always captured my attention, someone I feel like I'm so far from being like but want to be more like. I don't know you at all aside from this blog, and correct me if I'm way off here...I don't want to write fluff, but I can see a lot of similarities between her and you. I see valor and courage in you and a striking beauty and determination that flows from the inside out. She stood strong, and at the same time had a gentle loveliness about her. Yes, I think of Eowyn when you wrote your post.

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  14. hi, clancy i´m alexandre from Brazil and I read your blog,
    and I don´t speak english very well :]
    And you´re right.
    God is changing your vision and guiding you for something that is true and
    big,He´s guinding you to the real love. Love that He created, and love that
    the world can´t see.
    This love is not based in follish things, but in beautiful and simple values.
    God is doing the same thing with me and I tell you, this is divine.
    Just knowing and seeing that He is preparing you to have a wonderful family and that
    He´s preparing for you a wonderful family is something so good.
    Well, go on in this way and you will fly very high.

    Many blessings for you girl
    and sorry for my bad english :]

    God bless you

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