Today hasn’t really even begun and yet I still just couldn’t wait to update. I finished my work duties early today so I decided to come into my room, get comfortable, and start reading Captivating! And, OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I feel so…understood! I’ve just GOT to share with you some of my heart! If I don’t I just might burst!!!
I wrote down some quotes that really spoke to me, so I’m going to share them with you. The first is probably the one that echoes what I’m feeling most right now. It is talking about the desires of a woman’s heart and says, “It’s not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more – a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are.” Oh my goodness…YES! I don’t just want to be beautiful, that’s wonderful, but I want to completely and utterly captivate someone’s heart! Not because of how I look, or what I do, or how much time I give to missions, I want to captivate him because of WHO I am! I want him to be captured by the unexplainable qualities of my heart that cannot be found in any other person, the weird idiosyncrasies of my personality, my deep excitement, my deep pain, the annoying things that I naturally do, EVERYTHING!
Another quote that spoke to my heart was “So God endows woman with certain qualities that are essential to relationship, qualities that speak of God. She is inviting. She is vulnerable. She is tender. She embodies mercy. She is also fierce and fiercely devoted.” I love that last part, “She is also fierce and fiercely devoted.” Sometimes I feel like I am too stubborn or too fiercely devoted to things. Like, I am very fiercely devoted to the hope that one day I will end up with someone that is captivated by me. And, I am fiercely devoted to making things happen and getting what I desire, like the other day when I told God, “I’m not going to accept anything less than you showing up and rocking my world today.” I think that God is fierce too!
As I sat down to write this I decided I needed some theme music! And, instead of going to the tried-and-true Phil Whickham I stumbled upon Tchaikovsky…I know, weird. But, I started listening to “Sleeping Beauty Waltz” and “Romeo and Juliet” and immediately I started imagining myself being swept off onto a dance floor, with a beautiful dress (flowy of course…) like Cinderella and her prince – totally romanced, graceful, beautiful and captivating. Then his Piano Concerto No. 1 came on and I immediately imagined myself as a strong warrior after a victory! Like I had just sacrificed everything I had with the utmost bravery and courage and was now being commended for my valor.
Just reading over this makes me blush, because it is so vulnerable and I feel incredibly stupid for writing it. But, am I the only one that feels this way? Am I the only girl out there that wants to be ravishing and courageous, at the same time? Am I the only girl who doesn’t want to settle for less than someone to be utterly captivated by who you are? I sure hope not!
The next quote is by John Elderedge about the heart of a man. He says, “Every man wants a battle to fight…every man longs for a beauty to rescue…it’s not just that a man needs a battle to fight. He needs someone to fight FOR. There is nothing that inspires a man to courage so much as the woman he loves.” I sure as heck hope he’s right!!! I know that pretty much only girls read my blog…actually I’m quit positive no guys other than my family read this…BUT if there are any guys out there please respond to this and let me know if that is true!! Do you really desire to fight for someone?
I’ve always wanted to be fought for. I’ve always wanted a man to be just as “fiercely devoted” as I am, but fiercely devoted to ME! Fiercely devoted to not taking “no” for an answer, fiercely devoted to never letting me get hurt, fiercely devoted to doing everything humanly possible to make sure I am his and he is mine.
A secret desire of mine has always been to be a muse for someone. I’ve always hoped that one day I would date a musician or artist and be his muse – whenever he needed to be inspired he would think of the one he loved and create a masterpiece. But, I’ve never thought of being the inspiration for courage! And, I love it! Whenever I need to stand strong and fight a battle I always think of someone I love, whether it be a person or God – maybe one day I’ll be that person for someone. Maybe I’ll inspire them to run into the face of danger like David did with Goliath, as opposed to sitting there and waiting to play defense.
I know that I have written some pretty vulnerable and emotional things on this blog, but this is BY FAR the most embarrassing and scary! I’m actually very nervous about pushing the “post entry” button. For some reason I almost feel guilty – like I don’t have the right to want all of this. Like, I should just be happy with what I have and realize that all of my desires could only have been fulfilled before the fall. Like, I’m expecting too much of men in general, as if I’m too emotional or “girly” for real life.
But, I’m going to go ahead and step out in faith and trust that if my desires are too much or if I am too emotional then God will let me know and HE will change my heart. But, as of right now I’m choosing to believe that I was made in HIS image and that he is a romantic, merciful, beautiful, fiercely devoted, and absolutely CAPTIVATING God.
Thank you for listening! :)