It's only lunchtime and I'm already needing to escape to write to you all.
Today has been really really hard.
Living with 40 other people constantly around you makes it really hard to cry in private - actually quite impossible. But, today I went up to His Dwelling Place to do my hour of worship and all of my emotions from the past 2 months just flew out.
I went in kind of aggravated for no good reason and then the absolute smallest incident triggered something much bigger. Do you know what I mean? Something that doesn't actually matter that much just reminds your soul of an incident (or multiple) in the past that hurt? And then you pretty much flip out? Well...that happened.
All of the sudden I just started sobbing, the kind where you try and control it but that just makes it worse. So, I got up, locked the door, sat down and cried...and cried...and cried. But I got so incredibly angry I found a canvas and some red paint and started throwing it, then I smeared it everywhere and grabbed some scissors and cut the middle out of the canvas - no, it wasn't cool looking but it was a release.
But, I got so angry and hurt that I couldn't contain it any longer so I grabbed a chair kneeled at the bottom, imagined Jesus sitting in it, laid my head on his lap and sobbed.
I'm pretty sure I felt everything in that moment that I have tried not to feel for my whole life - family issues, insecurity, abandonment, and I think I finally got to really grieve my break up.
Well....all of that feeling sounds great in theory but it absolutely sucks in real life - I hated it, and I still hate it because I'm STILL feeling it. But, I managed to calm down long enough to go to worship.
Have you ever tried to worship while hurt or angry? Its a very odd feeling. It feels really pure and completely unnatural at the same time - it was like I was basically saying, "Hey God. I feel absolutely terrible right now but I trust you so might as well pass the time by praising you..." Maybe not what Paul was singing in jail but hey, it's real.
Anyways the guy asked if anyone wanted to go to the front for prayer and practically the whole room did, but I just stayed where I was in the back. And people actually came to pray for me! :) So, of course the floodgates opened up again... But, after worship they had apples and peanut butter which is a new found love of mine so it made it a lot better. :)
Anyways, lectures were all right. I learned how to say "can you pass me the apple" in French...because that's so useful in real life....
And somehow tried to figure out the difference in "ahhhh" and "ah" phonetically...I'm baffled.
But, the hurt just keeps coming in waves. And with the hurt comes the feeling of being overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed that I'll NEVER get over these issues, I'll never be able to stand strong on my own two feet, or maybe I'll never be healed and whole. But then I think back to what God told me on that cliff that day in Fingal while watching the waves crash over and consume the rocks below. He told me "Clancy, I rush in to overwhelm you...I overwhelm you...not the enemy, I do." So, I'm just waiting for the enemy's waves to reside and God's to come rushing in - I'll let you know when they do.
It really makes me laugh out loud to think of everyone reading this, you guys must be thinking I need some therapy or something! My blogs are always like a roller coaster! :) I know some people in my life don't understand or appreciate my emotions, they just think its an overreaction - but, I'm pretty sure Jesus cried so maybe I'm just following in His footsteps ;)
Please continue to pray for me, I need it.