Does emotional pain ever manifest itself in the physical for you? Well, it does for me, a lot. And, it ALWAYS manifests itself in the form of pain in my heart - a very physical, heavy, and tangible pain. I used to always tell kevin, "My heart's hurting for you" or "you're making my heart hurt" or "oh my goodness, my heart is aching for that family" and I don't think he ever really understood that I meant it literally!
Well, right now my heart is hurting - physically and emotionally. I am going to be honest and say that today has been HARD. It started off initially good by talking to my mom on skype, but ended on a bad note because we finished by talking about Kev. And it just went downhill from there (there were a few good little uphill bumps, but I'm talking in generality right now).
Do you know what I realized? I guess it just hit me. I am having to grieve from a serious break up. I gave this person my heart in its entirety and now I'm having to get it back, pick it up and carry its heavy broken pieces by myself. And not only am I just going through this hurt and serious pain but I am on the entire opposite side of the world. My family isn't close to me physically - I haven't even been able to have anyone give me a hug or hold me while I cried. And it hurts. Plain and simple, it hurts.
I think that God uses my physical weakness, like my lack of sleep last night and my lack of food (it's fasting day again today) to show me these hurts that have been in my heart for a while. Now I'm just waiting for Him to help me out. I literally feel 100%, totally, completely, and utterly helpless and empty. If you've already picked up on it a little I have really really really deep emotions so when I feel something like helplessness it's not just a "oh, no I don't know what to do right now". It is a feeling of utter incapacitation.
All I want to do is retreat and return, but literally as I was typing that sentence Phlippians 1:6 popped into my head, okay I admit I had to google the reference...I'm not that smart yet, but the words to the verse popped in my head. It says "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." and I read a short commentary on the verse and it's brought me to tears because I am convinced it's the sweet voice of the Lord affirming me. Here's my version of the commentary:
"Being confident" - this is really really strong language, and is from the Greek word being "to persuade". This means that Paul was 100% convinced, and persuaded that the words he was speaking were completely truth there was no doubt in His mind - and there's not in mine either!
"...that HE who began a GOOD WORK in you" - This is saying that GOD started the good work in me. How wonderful!! Even though it was "my idea" to break up, it wasn't me - it was God. Which is wonderful because, anything started by me is liable to fail. But, I know that EVERYTHING started by God is promised to be permanent and lasting. Also, that totally takes the pressure off of me!! I don't have to begin this good work, and (as you'll read in the next paragraph) I don't have to to DO it either - it's allll Him because he loves me so much!
"Will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" - I LOVE THIS! God's not going to start this incredibly hard work in my life and then just leave it up to me to finish, or walk out on me unfinished. No, he is going to carry IT and ME into completion. And you know what? The word completion implies an end, a finish, a time period. Which encourages me that this is not an un-ending pain, it has a beginning (oh boy does it have a hard beginning) but, it will also have an end.
Wow - can I just tell you something? I was telling LaChelle the other day that I didn't now if I was really baptised in the Holy Spirit and truly living in the fullness of his gifts - but I can testify right now that I am! Today has been, and still is, one of the hardest days I've had since my arrival but, the Lord has spoken to me more today than any other day!!
My heart is still heavy, I'm still holding back tears, I still just want to run up into someone's arms and be held for hours, and I'm still terrified that I'll just run back to the familiar. HOWEVER, I know that what God has started in me HE will finish and HE will give me the strength to make it through and HE will hold me in his arms and let me cry as much as I want and HE will comfort the heart of my loved one. And if there is one thing I know more than anything else of my God it is that he is big - really big - and He is in charge. Even though this time is really hard and it makes me feel like I'm walking in a pool of sticky tar, I know that I am going to come out on the other side stronger, fuller, and HAPPIER!!
Well, all of my normal comfort things to do are unavailable to me right now (physical touch of a loved one, yummy comfort food, my family, my dog, EVERYTHING) so you know what I'm going to go do? Swing. I'm going to go to that swingset I found a few weeks ago and cry while swinging with God. I'll let you know how I feel when I get back.
I love you all - a lot, I mean it. And please please please please be sensitive in your comments, I'm being really vulnerable and my heart is already hurting, please don't hurt it more. Thank you.
I'll write again soon.
Okay, here's a little update about my date with God:
Well, I thought that it was bright and sunny outside. Then I walked outside and it was overcast, dark, cold, and windy....But, I just grabbed my sweatshirt and headed out to the swings, undaunted. But, the usually secluded swing set was overrun by local teenage guys - definitely not a nice quiet spot to have a date with God. So, I decided to take a walk with God instead, but I couldn't walk anywhere with trees for fear of the magpies. So, I just started walking around on the cement, and then headed back inside the base, and right as I did it started to rain.
Now, normally I would think that that whole situation would make me sad. But, it didn't! I really have no idea why it didn't make me sad! And, in fact my heart isn't hurting as much as it was! You know what I think it was? I think that God wanted to say to me, "Hey, you don't have to DO anything...in fact, I don't want you to do anything. Just know that I'm powerful enough to heal you with just my presence."
ALSO, I forgot to tell you, I got a VERY timely email from my mom that had a lecture from Dr. Henry Cloud on it that spoke to exactly what I'm feeling lately!! It's only 9 minutes long! Here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/DrHenryCloud#!/video/video.php?v=10150091602669972 I highly recommend watching it!
Well, I really really appreciate all of your prayers! Oh, and by the way I have good news!!! LaChelle, AND Jo are both going on the same outreach as me!!! :) AND I'm getting to surf withe the boarders DTS EVERY Saturday!
Okay, I like you all, and I'll write again tomorrow!