Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Roller Coaster or Spiraling Dowfall?

Today has been so up and down - so I'm sure that this blog will reflect that. But, let me tell you quickly about last night's lecture. It was on "The Father Heart of God" and was awesome! We watched a video on youtube called "The Most Movie" - it was a REAL tearjerker and I highly recommend watching it. Before I went to bed I listened to "Why?" by Nichole Nordeman and imagined God thinking of me as he died on the cross. That all added up to a wonderful night's sleep.

Now on to today:

It was fasting day today so I was able to sleep in an extra half an hour...well, I would have been able to if all the other people with INSANELY loud alarms didn't forget that it was fasting day and wake me up early...lame. Then we had our devotional which I got to play a part in, it was super fun. My quiet time was great and I painted a picture in "His Dwelling Place".

After that we had an hour of intercessory prayer for Nigeria, India, and a student who lives in Nigeria who couldn't get their visa. I miiiiight have fallen asleep a little bit...I'm still working on liking intercession.

Then began our second lecture on "The Father Heart of God". It was very nice, full of stories and sweet things about God. Then we watched a youtube video about a boy who wanted to run a marathon with his dad, so they ran one together. Then he told his daddy that he always wanted to participate in an iron man marathon but knew he never could - so he and his dad did it together. What was amazing was that the little boy was paralyzed and his dad pulled a floating boat during the swimming part, pushed him in a wheelchair during the running part, and biked with him in front during the biking part. The boy knew that he could never run in an iron man, but with the dad carrying him all the way he was able to accomplish his goal. WOW. It was such a powerful picture of Philippians 4:13!

Then we took a 20 minute break and wrote down all the things that feel like we can NOT ever do. I'll share with you my list because I think that the more I speak my fears out the more open I will be to healing - but please be nice, it's very vulnerable.

1)I feel like I'll never be whole. I feel like I will always be needy, I feel like I will always be dependent on another human, I feel like I will always be let down and hurt and disappointed by the person I most love because of the amount of pressure I put on them.

2)I feel like I won't choose correctly for my life. I'm scared that I am going to choose based on my emotions and my feelings and end up really messing up my life and being miserable.

3) I feel like I'll never be able to be completely confident in myself, in who God made me to be. Because I look to others so often that my idea of myself will always be based on what other people think.

4) I'm scared that I'll never be able to have and/or stick to my own opinion. I feel like all of my thoughts are based on what other people say and believe and it often changes with the wind.

5) I'm terrified that I will end up in a marriage with the wrong guy, that I will have to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't make me feel loved or pursued or important and I'll constantly be hurt and disappointed. I'm scared taht I'll never be able to wait long enough to find the right guy because that would mean being on my own and I don't feel like I'll ever be able to do that.

6)I am absolutely completely and utterly terrified that I won't ever be able to get over my all-consuming fear of abandonment. It is such an overwhelmingly huge and deeply rooted fear that shows up in almost every aspect of my life, I don't think I will ever be healed from it in order to become whole.

Well, as you can most likely imagine I felt slightly depressed after 20 minutes of writing things that I can never do on my own. But, I assumed that we would get back together and start discussing these things and start the healing process...but no. We literally just got back together and continued on with our lecture...not even mentioning our list?!! It was very hard to concentrate on the rest of the lecture because I was so incredibly overwhelmed by my list.

After our lecture we had another hour long intercession and to be honest I was NOT in the mood to pray for other people's problems while I had so many of mine on the forefront of my mind. But, we changed it up by breaking into small groups and praying over 7 different things OUTSIDE! And there is definitely something healing about the Australian sun because I left that intercession time feeling more wonderful than ever!

Then began our work duties...and THE girl. Yeah, there's this girl here who I literally can NOT stand! She's sarcastic ALLLLLLL the time, and mean, and annoying. She's too talkative and overbearing and makes fun of me ALL the time and is the most sarcastic person I have EVER met in my entire life. And guess who was on my work duty guessed it, HER!!!

I decided I would just ignore all of her comments and focus on cooking, cleaning, and setting the tables. But, apparently I have a sign on my back that says "I'm really fragile today, why don't you come and harass me?!" Because another guy started hurting my feelings. I'm sure I was being incredibly sensitive and over-analyzing everything he said, but it still hurt my feelings and sent me into even more of an isolation bubble.

Finally dinner was made and I ran upstairs to set a "venting date" with LaChelle, ate a quick dinner in mostly silence, then came down here to write. LaChelle just had to leave for a feeding program so I probably won't be able to vent for a while.

All I want to do right now is cry. I'm tired, overwhelmed, lonely, sad, slightly depressed, annoyed, hurt, and frustrated. I KNOW that satan is trying to steal this week from me because it's going to be such a powerful week of healing, and as of yet it feels like he's winning.

Well, my "roller coaster of emotions" day actually seems to be more of a "spiraling down into depression" day...prayers would be much appreciated. Thank you.

There is a little teeny tiny part of me that is kind of looking forward to being so lonely - I guess I'll never heal from this fear of abandonment until I am able to really feel abandoned and turn to Him....but it's a pretty teeny tiny part that's excited. Teeny tiny.

G'night everyone.


  1. That sounds like a rough day. This post reminds me that no matter how great your life looks to those on the outside, we all have fears and insecurities. God truly is the great healer. Hang in there. And as for the bullying girl ......she is probably SO insecure that she's picking on the pretty girl. Pray for her and you might be surprised at what starts to take place.

  2. I agree. Pray for the girl. I bet she is hurting inside big time and sounds like she has an angry bitter heart. Pray for her and ask God to work with/through her.


  3. Love you Clanc & I think you are a brave & beautiful woman of faith.! Miss you but so excited to see how God is using this time!xx A